Aht Urhgan Shitegate
by TydiriumAsura
Summary: It's an epic full of bastards!
1. 1 – San d'Oria lurve, first dating agenc

Clicking his tongue, deep in thought, Trion eventually waved his hand in dismissal.

"No, Halver, see her out, she just isn't good enough. No, not good enough".

Sighing, Halver, the chief executive of Chateau d'Oraguille, home of the elvaan royal family, escorted the young hume lady from the room, muttering apologies under his breath for the eldest prince of San d'Oria's rudeness. He wondered how long it would take to find the prince a woman who would be fit to marry him. Surely, he thought to himself, it isn't a difficult matter, but the prince is just so...well, haughty, and arrogant. Not to mention a raving narcissist. It's a wonder he hadn't married himself in fact.

"Your highness, might I propose a suggestion?" he asked, turning to face the prince. "Might it be a good idea if your highness perhaps, disn't dismiss every young lady who came before him without even so much as asking her name?"

"What? Why would I do that, Halver, they have all been frightful dogs so far. Dogs, I say".

"Your highness", persisted Halver, "our agent has gathered the finest young ladies in the whole of Vana'diel to present to you, but you have been exceedingly...insulting".

Trion looked aghast. "Halver! The one doing the insulting here is your agent! Why, that third one he presented had a wonky nose! Wonky! I have never seen such...and then! Then the next one was a taru! Why I ought to have that unruly bum arrested and thrown into the Oubliette! And just then, that..you know, the hairy one. I swore she was a galka masquerading as a woman!"

Halver tried to hide a grin. "Well, there was a rather...masculine vibe to her, yes. But she is very rich your highness. Why, your combined wealth could ensure no San d'Orian ever went hungry again."

"Or it could start a war with Windurst. Sweet Altana, I hate those Windurstian's, almost as much as I hate eccentric galka lady boys masquerading as women to become my wife. That pompous midget woman, the one with the glasses, and the stupid hat, Halver, what was her name again?"

"...The Star Sybil, your highness?"

"Yes that was it, mercy have you ever seen someone so short. And ugly! Dear me, and she was so short too! What about the psychotic one? You know, the crazy rambler?"

"Shantotto, your highness?"

Trion slammed his fist down on his comfy throne's armrest for emphasis. "Yes that crazy bitch! Why I'll show them what for, I will!"

Halver buried his face in his hands. "Your highness. Please. We still have one young lady for you to see. Are you ready?"

Trion sunk into a slouch and pouted. "Yes. Yes, alright, let's get it over with".

Halver exited for a moment, and then returned, followed by a portly young elvaan woman, wearing an elegant dress, her hair flowing like a gentle river, with eyes a deep deep blue. She curtsied before the prince, smiling at him, revealing rows of crooked teeth.

Trion stared for a moment, and then shuddered. "Oh. Oh, heaven's no".

"Miss Jenifer Astley, your highness. Daughter of Helbort, the weapon shop owner in South San d'Oria", said Halver, introducing her.

"How do you do", muttered Trion, barely even looking at her.

Unphased, Jenifer addressed the prince. "It is an honour, your highness".

"Course it is", replied Trion, haughtily. "My astounding looks are matched only by my keen wit and strategic battle prowess. All know the excellence, of his excellence, Prince Trion"! he exclaimed, getting rather over excited. "And you are?"

"Oh..er, Jenifer Astley...your highness", replied Jenifer, taken aback by the sudden uproar from the prince.

"I see!" exclaimed Trion. "And why are you here?!"

Jenifer turned to Halver, a look of confusion and annoyance on her face. "He forgot who I am, and why I am here already?" she asked with disdain.

"Yes, well, er you see, he rather works himself up a bit, when he talks about himself, you see" babbled Halver, embarassment overcoming him. "Forgets who people are and other such nonsense".

Trion was now sitting back to front on his throne, riding it eratically as if it were some noble steed, charging him into battle. Waving his arms about frantically, he started shouting at the top of his voice. "Die Windurstian dogs! Have at thee! I'll splice your gullet and rip out your gizzards, ha!"

"I don't believe this!" yelled Jenifer at Trion. "What kind of prince are you?! This great nation has surely been brought to ruin with a royal successor as stupid as you!"

Turning his head around, Trion retorted with spite. "Stupid? Ha! Silence, you marid of a woman, lay off the mithkabobs and waddle back to from whence you came!"

Crying, Jenifer turned and ran for the door. "You have insulted my honour, and my family's good name, have you nothing to say for yourself?!"

Trion, now standing upright on his throne, one leg balanced on an armrest, striking a valiant pose yelled back at her, "Get out! Never darken my chateau with your horrendous face again, fatso!"

Jenifer pelted past Halver, sobbing loudly, out of the chateau.

Trion cheered, pumping the air with his fist rather over enthusiastically, and toppled over the side of the throne and landed with a bump on the floor. Picking himself up he assessed the damage. There was no damage. Trion grinned idiotically and brushed himself off.

"Well that see's off marriage for another year. Father will be most displeased but I think we all agree, it is for the good of the nation that a handsome yound stud of a prince as handsome as myself stay single!"

Halver sighed and helped Trion brush himself down. "Whatever will we do with you, Prince Trion".

"Not with, Halver, not with, but for! You can start by sending for that lazy cur, Tydirium. After the frightful mingers he produced for my royal excellence today, he has a lot for answer for. The man is a damn bum, bring him to me at once".

Bowing, Halver exited the room.


	2. 2 - In Trouble

"Tydirium? Prince Trion is ready to see you". Halver stepped out of the royal banquet room and stood aside, allowing Tydirium to enter. Tydirium sauntered lazily through the door, and Halver shut it behind him. Tydirium addressed Trion.

"What? You wanted to see me? I'm in the middle of something real important in the pub".

Spluttering, Trion replied with annoyance, "How dare you speak to me like that?! Address me properly, you insolent cur!"

"Oh right, yeah, sorry, hello your royal holiness sir, hi, what can I do for you?"

"Tydirium you are annoying me now, what do you call that procession of ugly, stupid parade of women that was brought before me earlier?" Trion asked, exasperated.

"Well, uh, I don't know, I got you a whole bunch of girlfriends, what is the problem?" Tydirium asked, looking peeved.

"The problem, you clod, is not one of them was fit enough to become my wife! No they all looked like they had fell from the top branch of the ugly tree in East Ronfaure, hitting every ugly branch on the way down, before landing in a pile of dung! That is what the problem is!"

Tydirium scoffed loudly at Trion. "Well who is good enough for you! You are so uppety and rude, it's a wonder anyone turned up to see you at all!"

"How...dare you! HOW DARE YOU!" bellowed Trion, rising up off his throne so he could hurl verbal abuse more easily. "I will have you thrown into the Oubliette for your insolence, that's the only way to teach good for nothing adventurer bums like you some respect it would seem".

Tydirium stopped slouching and stood to his full height before yelling back, "What? The Oubliette, eh? How dare you threaten me, do you know who I am?!"

"Who you are? Who YOU are?! Do you know who I AM?!"

Tydirium fired back, wittily, he thought to himself, "An ugly dhalmel of a man, so ugly and so fat, so stupid and pompous he needs an extra large doorway for him to squeeze his fat butt and massive head through?!"

"I am the Prince of San d'Oria, Prince Trion, and I over rule you any day, regarding everything! I've had enough of you. Guards! Remove this irritating man from my presence!"

The guards standing either side of Trion's throne leapt into action, but Tydirium evaded, jumping backwards onto a banquet table. Looking about for a weapon to protect himself, he eyed up a bowl of fruit. Diving towards it, sliding halfway down the table in style, he picked up some pamama's and launched them at Trion. They hit him right in the face, with a loud thwack, enraging the prince even more. Retaliating, he picked up a plate and threw it like a frisbee at Tydirium. It missed, knocking over a candle stand, which fell over backwards, setting the curtains around the great hall's window on fire.

Enraged, like a provoked, berserked dhalmel, Trion screamed and flung himself at Tydirium, tackling him off of the table, where they both landed awkwardly on some spilt mead, sliding a short distance down a priceless royal rug, ripping it in the process.

"YOU WILL PAY TYDIRIUM! YOU WILL PAY!"

The guards having recovered at this point, leapt on top of Tydirium to hold him down, whilst Trion, grasping around the rug under him closed his fist around a bowl of La Theine Cabbage and raised it high above his head.

"Aw hell n-" mumbled Tydirium before he was bludgeoned unconscious.

"Take him away, throw him into Bostaunieux Oubliette and never let him out!" roared Trion.  
The guards dragged Tydirium away.


	3. 3 - Companion

"Ohhh" moaned Tydirium, awakening from what seemed like the most drunken night out at the Rusty Anchor Pub in South San d'Oria. "My head...ohhh...where the bloody hell am I?" He sat up, leaning against a wall. Peering around, the first thing he noticed was that he couldn't see very well. "Oh crap that snakebite really messed with my eyes, altana", he muttered to himself. He sat up, and despite the lack of decent eyesight he determined he was in a small room, with no real outstanding features...there were four walls, for example...and the only thing in the room other than himself was a table he was leaning against.

"Ok, what the hell is this place, and why the hell am I here" he asked, more to himself than anything, as there appeared to be no sign of life anywhere close.

Tydirium slouched back against the table and sighed heavily. "Seriously! Where am I!" he yelled in frustration.

*Snort...yunnghherglergh...* replied the table.

"Yeah...wait, what the!" replied Tydirium, lurching forward away from the snorting, talking table. Spinning around, he watched an incredibly tall man, clad from head to foot in dark armour slump to the ground.

"Argh!" Tydirium screamed. "Argggggh!"

The man snorted again, and licked his lips but remained lying on the floor. He was obviously fast asleep. Clutched tightly in his right fist was what appeared to be an agricultural instrument used for cutting grass, as used by the local farmers. It had a long curved blade, which was fixed to a pole.

"Oh bloody hell, what is this! Who is this dude?!" Tydirium thought to himself. "He looks dangerous, but then harmless at the same time. With that tool he has to be a farmer of some sort...". Looking at the armour, Tydirium wondered if it was really necessary to be so heavily protected from flying grass.

Backing up against the wall furthest away from the sleeping farmer man, his mind began racing. "Am I safe here...who is this man?..does he want to kill me? And where the hell ass balls am I!"

Five minutes or so passed, the armour clad farmer not batting an eyelid throughout, before Tydirium decided to take some action. "I need answers and the only way it looks like I will get them is by interacting with this guy...I guess I better wake him up".

Standing up, he cautiously stepped over to the man, and poked him with his boot. The man remained still. Determined, Tydirium poked him again, harder this time. The man grimaced, but remained still. Getting annoyed, Tydirium bent down and shouted in the mans ear. "OI HORACE, WAKE UP MATE!"

The man bolted upright and looked around, startled . He noticed Tydirium and before Tydirium could do anything the man picked up his scythe and swung it at Tydirium's face from point blank range. Tydirium shut his eyes and found himself screaming like a little girl, screaming...screaming...still screaming..."Why am I not dead yet..?" he questioned himself. Opening his eyes he saw the man, with his tool impaled in the wall, struggling desperately to free it.

"I'm alive! Alive! YES!" he thought to himself, his heart racing. "How the hell did that guy miss me, I was right in front of him".

The man finally pulled his scythe free, the wall around it crumbling away, revealing an exit. He turned round to face Tydirium. "Who are you?! What are you doing waking me up you bloody bum, you!"

"Why does everyone call me a bum?" Tydirium asked, annoyed. "I have a job you know".

"I don't care for you, or your job, bum, now prepare to die, for waking me from my slumber", replied the now fully awake man.

"Whoa, whoa! Wait just a second mate, you made us a way outta here. Shouldn't we escape?"

The man turned around and stared briefly at the hole in the wall. "Hmm...I really ought to kill you, but I have been stuck in here a very long time...so I will take my leave now. You go first bum, I need to keep an eye on you".

Tydirium sighed. "Whatever man, I just want to get out of here. Who are you anyway? What is this place?"

"Move!" shouted the man, making to smack Tydirium with the butt of his pole thing. It missed, hitting the wall next to Tydirium, making the exit even bigger.

"...You really kinda suck, dont'cha?" taunted Tydirium. "You have the worst accuracy of anyone I have ever seen. I've seen drunk people trying to pee doing a better job of hitting the target than you".

The man glared at Tydirium, trying to think of something to say. Instead, he made to punch the wall instead, but missed, tumbling head first out of the DIY exit. Tydirium stepped over him into a dimly lit corridor. Offering his hand to the man, he helped him up. "What's your name, mate?" Tydirium asked.

"Ciriph", replied the man.

"Nice, my name's Tydiri-"

"I don't care what your name is, you berk. Now outta my way, I'm getting out of here". He strode away in one direction. Tydirium jogged after him.


	4. 4 - Escape

As the two men ran through what seemed to be an endless catacomb of almost pitch black tunnels Tydirium started to wonder why he was still jogging behind the tall hume of which he still towered over. Suddenly the hume stopped dead and gripped his scythe.  
"Elvaan you there?" He whispered harshly.  
"Yes, I am." Tydirium replied in a similar tone.  
"Don't talk you idiot it'll hear us!" Ciriph shot back at Tydirium.  
"But you-"  
"But nothing don't talk and we might be able to sneak past it." Interjected Ciriph.  
Tydirium looked around himself and soon came to realize he was no longer running down a tunnel but had come out in what seemed to be a huge circular room deep within a cavern. The creature that Ciriph was obviously so worried about must be near here but Tydirium couldn't see a think but meager outlines in the ground and walls.  
Then the sound hit him first it sounded like a deep rumbling not unalike his close friend Dunadies snoring. The sound began to grow in volume and gain in pitch until the sound was a intense squealing that causing Tydirium to drop to his knees and close his eyes tightly alike he did when he was a small boy. Suddenly the sound cut out Tydirium stumbled to his feet weakly when he finally managed to open his eyes the site before him was one of total carnage.  
What appeared to be a giant scorpion looked like it had been gutted and hacked up like the lobsters off the coast of Mhaura. "Oh how I miss Mhaura" Thought Tydirium then he remembered why he had left his holiday home there n headed back to San'dOria. "Stupid Mithra I hope he looks like an elvaan." Tydirium thought about his Bastard son who he had ran away from.  
He then realized that Ciriph had somehow disappeared.  
"Ciriph where are you?!" He called looking around again.  
"CIRIPH?!" He bellowed feeling a panic attack on its way he began to count to ten when he heard some strange noises coming from the scorpion..  
"Nyum mmm nyum nyum nyummmmm."  
Tydirium saw the tail of the scorpion twitch and begin to rise up until the very tail split open and Ciriph walked out looking amused and holding what looked like the scorpions liver.  
"Hello, I'm sorry about before they hadn't fed me in a while so I get a bit angsty without food, this scorpion isn't scallops tropicale but its better than most of the stuff we will find around here. Want some?!" He said cheerfully offering Tydirium a bloody mass of guts.  
"I'll pass, how did you bring that down? I thought you couldn't hit anything?" Tydirium asked feeling sick at the sight of the mess that Ciriph claimed was tasty.  
"Hmm you see I can hit things with good old whackey sometimes. I just miss in really inopportune moments mostly like before." Replied Ciriph cheerfully again Tydirium began to think he had changed greatly.

So what are were you doing in the prison then Ciriph?"  
"Hmm I don't remember I went down there to visit a very good mate of mine Novalmuge you heard of him?" Tydirium nodded in the affirmative. "Oh good, lots of people don't like him because hes close to becoming something that they fear greatly. Anyway he was teaching me the attack with a scythe called 'Spiral hell' its a very nice looking move lots of spinning and killing involved. Any how I was on my way out when that pompous arse of an Elvaan Trion bumped into me, I apologised but he wouldn't have any of it next thing I know I'm in prison. So how about you?" Asked Ciriph as he reached inside the scorpion and took a chunk of it and began to chew upon it.  
"Well I was doing a few bits and bobs for Halver when he asked me to find Trion a wife. I thought I did a ruddy good job as did Halver but Trion didn't we had a scrap and here I am now." Tydirium said feeling better to have a common cause with Ciriph.  
"Ah! Well it would probably be beneficial for both of us to avenge our injustice upon that Dhamel of an Elvaan?"  
"Yes Ciriph, yes it would!"  
The two men shared a few more words and the plan was set. First they head out of the caverns of Rangeoumont pass then they find there way to a city then they find the pub. Then Trion will be hunted down.  
"I like your plan Ciriph but I have one problem with it."  
"You do? What would that be?" Inquired Ciriph looking hurt.  
"We find a pub on the way to a city."  
"Agreed, but first we need to get out of here..."


	5. 5 - Are We There Yet

Emerging from an exit of the tunnel, Ciriph and Tydirium sucked in the fresh air, whilst their eyes adjusted to the brightness. They had no idea where the tunnel had brought them out, but they hoped it was somewhere near San d'Oria.

"When I see that dhalmel Trion, I'm gonna spiral him good" explained Ciriph, for what seemed like the hundredth time. "No one crosses the mighty Ciriph and gets away with it".

"That your title, oh mighty Ciriph?" replied Tydirium.

"Yeah".

"Why does everyone else get all the cool titles, I've been stuck with 'Mog's Loving Master' for bloody ages", Tydirium moaned.

"Maybe you should stop...you know...lovin' that moogle, if you get what I'm saying", snickered Ciriph.

Tydirium looked annoyed. "We're just friends...shut your face. Any idea where we are?"

"Well judging from this landscape, we are definitely on a beach. Of some kind. You know", replied Ciriph, looking pretty confident.

Tydirium resisted the urge to hit Ciriph. "Really? What gave it away, was it the sand, or perhaps the palm trees?"

"No, the beach sheep, obviously. Hey look a village". Ciriph, strode off over the dunes in the direction of a small sleepy looking village.

"...Beach sheep? Why I oughtta..." Tydirium trudged after Ciriph, sinking into the sand slightly as he walked. It took about ten minutes to reach the village. The walk was an uninteresting one, they stalked past sand, palm trees, various creatures, and more sand.

Upon arriving at the village, Ciriph read aloud the sign out the front. "Selbina" he announced.

Tydirium looked blank. "Never heard of it. I hope they got some decent food, I am not eating scorpion guts".

"What's wrong with scorpion livers? They are really good for you. Probably" replied Ciriph.

"I bet they aren't, and as if you didn't gourge yourself enough back there in the pass, did you really need to bring more?"

Ciriph scowled, munching on a scorpion liver. "Well! I think they are excellent. Scorp meat is one of the most versatile meats there is! Have you never heard of scorp steak?"

Tydirium frowned. "Scorp steak?"

"Yeah. And scorp fillets".

"Fillets? You're just making this stuff up", Tydirium grimaced.

"But the best, is a double scorp taco, sprinkled with rock salt and extra scorp on the side". Ciriph smacked his lips and marched into the village.

Tydirium leant against the sign, feeling sick. "Well whatever they have, it's got to be better than a double scorp taco".

He walked into the village and looked for Ciriph. He couldn't see him. "Great" he thought. "Well I suppose I'll try and find a pub".

Strolling about, he saw lots of interesting things. The most notable thing was the port. A small desk stood before it with a Hume woman behind. There was a towering Galka, who Tydirium assumed was a bouncer doing his day job in front of the entrance to the port. Looking elsewhere, there were a few houses dotted around, some shops, a fishing guild, and a small farm.

Walking past the farm, Tydirium noticed it only seemed to contain sheep. "Weird", Tydirium thought to himself. "I wonder if they're beach sheep". He snickered to himself.

An old man heard his laughter and turned around. "I hope you aren't laughing at me fella!"

"What? Don't be silly, I don't even know you", replied Tydirium.

"Peoples always laughing at me. Me and my sheep. But we'll show you, won't we Baa?" The old man bent down next to a sheep and started whispering in it's ear, looking up at Tydirium and pointing.

"...Humes are stupid", thought Tydirium. "This guy named his sheep Baa? What an idiot".

Carrying on he noticed Ciriph walking into what looked like it could be a pub. Feeling cheerful he made his way over to the building and opened the door. "Hey Ciriph" he started, before a Tarutaru flew out of the door and hit him in the groin. Paralysed with the worst pain known to man he collapsed in a heap, holding his balls. "Huuur...hurr..." he tried to suck in some breath, but failed. Ciriph came out of the door next, shouting angrily and shaking his fist.

"Yeah you won't be so lippy next time will ya, smart guy!" he yelled at the taru who scurried away. "Oh hey Tydirium, did you see that taru? Man what an arse, he like totally laughed at my scythe, so I was all 'what's your problem man' and he was all 'get back to the farm, farm boy, the sheep are missing you' so I just lost it and chucked him out the door. Pretty cool, huh". Getting no reaction from Tydirium, who had fainted from pain, he shrugged. "Well screw you man, it was quite rad. Don't be all sleeping there, the locals say there's beach sheep about". He stepped over Tydirium and walked back into the pub.


	6. 6 - Don't Mess With Beach Sheep

Tydirium came to in what seemed to be a garden of some sort his head hadn't hurt this much since he and a few friends had attempted to out drink Halver. It turned out that Halver was an Alcoholic and had the stomach of an orc. Attempting to glance around Tydirium used his more primitive senses to tell him that he was still in Selbina or the surrounding area. Taking a few uneasy breaths he slowly struggled to his feet. His head swam, as he stumbled around the garden he noticed that Ciriph and the strange old man were staring at him and locked in conversation.  
Waving Tydirium ambled across the small beach garden towards the two men when suddenly a high pitched shriek split the peaceful serenity of the day. Ciriph gripped his scythe and began towards the fence attempting to vault and bailing over the side mumbling he staggering to his feet he continued towards the source of the noise. Tydirium shaking his head to clear it also made towards the fence loping over it with his Dhalmel like legs. Tydirium easily catching up with Ciriph who was by now slowing greatly due to his heavy and mostly inappropriate amour.  
"You should probably consider selling that hauberk Ciri its slowing you down." Said Tydirium smiling.  
"You should mind your own business this thing cost me a lot of gil. Also it helps my accuracy. I don't know how but it does." Ciriph shot back at him glaring.  
The two men reached the cause of the commotion at the edge of town. A group of men and women were running full tilt towards them screaming inarticulate battle cries.  
Peering round the group Ciriph saw what they were attempting to escape from what looked like three small children with swords and a few beach sheep.  
"What the hell? Are they being chased by children?!" Shouted Ciriph obviously confused by the situation.  
"Ciri... Those are goblins not children." Replied Tydirium sarcastically.  
" Oh that would explain lots... But really come on those are really weak piddly goblins why don't they just hack them up?!" Asked Ciriph looking angry at the fact that the goblins and sheep were causing alot more fuss than they should.  
"Because the people are piddly and weak?"  
"Damn another good point Mister Tydirium I think its time we killed some stuff."  
"Agreed Ciriph lets go!"  
Ciriph like a man possessed charged straight into the group of people and began to swing his scythe around himself screaming various obsanities he hacked and slicing and spiraled until there was nothing left for him to hack slice or even spiral while Tydirium merely stared into space and kicked a few pebbles at the goblins.  
"Ciriph stop everything is dead."  
"HRUAH! YOU WANT SOME MORE!?"  
"Ciri-"  
"Come and get some gobby boy!"  
"Cir-"  
"Hyah!"  
"CIRIPH SHUT UP!" Bellowed Tydirium Ciriph reeled around and glared at Tydirium.  
"They are all dead. Everyone is dead. YOU'VE KILLED EVERYONE IN SELBINA! YOU BERK."  
"Oh.. Yeah.. Whoops sorry about that everyone... I guess we should get outta here? Oo look a conviently timed ferry lets get that before the police arrive." Said Ciriph looking rather smug.  
"Ok.. Just promise me one thing?"  
"Errrm what is it?" Inquired Ciriph.  
"You will never ever slaughter the entire populace of a fishing town again."  
Ciriph sighed dejectedly. "Fine no more slaughter."  
"Tyd do we get tickets from the stall and pay or do we just board?" He asked the large Elvaan  
"I guess we just board if we're going to be criminals we may aswell act the part." Tydirium replied grinning...


	7. 7 - Bad Boys

After the decision was taken to mooch onto the ferry without paying, the two escaped criminals approached the fares desk. Ripping a couple of tickets from a sheet on top of the desk, Ciriph handed one to Tydirium. They were about to make their smooth getaway when a tiny voice spoke to them in an accusing tone. "What...are you doing?" It asked, obviously trying to talk. It wheezed out another sentence. "You have to...pay...to get on...the...ferry. If you...don't pay then...then there will be serious repercussions".

Tydirium bent over the desk and saw an old hume woman struggling to stand up. Grimacing he looked back to Ciriph, but didn't see him. Turning his head towards the ferry he saw Ciriph showing his ticket to the ticket person.

"Hey, Ciriph!" he yelled. Ciriph half turned around.

"What?" He shouted back.

"We got a problem. You missed one", Tydirium gestured his head urgently at the desk.

Ciriph approached the desk and checked behind it. Cocking his head to one side, he paused, and then laughed at the old woman. "Haha, old people, oh you guys crack me up. Oh you're trying to get up, that's so funny, 'cause you know you're old and stuff. Don't strain yourself dear you don't wanna break a hip".

In an instant the old woman swung a hefty looking ticket stamp at Ciriph, missing him but clouting Tydirium in the face. "Arrrrgh ASSAULT!" Tydirium protested. In retaliation he shoved the woman back onto the floor, before dusting himself off.

"Oh Tyd! That was harsh man, you are so cool! Hey we should tag team old people more often! The best thing is, they are too feeble to fight back, right?"

"I don't go around doing that all the time man, she hit me, and last I checked that is assault! So I just you know, taught her a lesson." Suddenly they heard a loud voice behind them shouting something. Turning around they noticed a rather large looking goblin, mounted on a rather large beach sheep.

"Who's this fella?" Ciriph questioned. The goblin was at least one and a half times the size of the previous goblins that he had sliced up, and he was wondering if he could take him down with some regular scythe slashing or whether a particularly nasty spirally action would be required.

The goblin rode towards them on his fearsome looking beach sheep. "You! The ones who killed my friends!"

Looking over his shoulder, Tydirium tried to see who he was talking to. Ciriph looked confused.

The goblin stopped, hesitating for a second. "You two! Hey! I'm talkin' to you!"

"Oh shit man, I think he's talking to us" Ciriph said to Tydirium.

"Do you even remember what you have just done?" Tydirium asked sighing.

"Dude. I just shoved an old lady onto the floor, how do you not remember that."

Tydirum's face turned red. "That was ME, Ciriph! Oh my god!"

"Shit" replied Ciriph, "Was it? I just remember a whole buncha spiralling and shoving and slashy slashy you know".

The goblin dismounted. He was amusingly short, not even as tall as the beach sheep he used as a mount. The goblin spoke again. "I am Beachsheep Rider Glofflekersnoffledax, and I'm goin' to make you two bungling morons pay for what you did to my friends."

"Did you just...are you...you want to fight us?" Ciriph seemed confused. "But you're so short, and not to mention ugly, was your momma a Yagudo by any chance?"

Approaching them, the goblin drew a sword and brandished it at them. "Keep talking hume, soon you will have no lips from which to speak such stupid".

Ciriph looked taken aback. "But my lips are one of my best features! Are you threatening my lips?! Oh it's on!" With that, Ciriph charged at the goblin, swinging his scythe. "Tyd! Attack him from range with your bow! I'll make with the slashy slashy!" he yelled. Tydirium went to reach for his trusted elvaan longbow, before realising he didn't have it. Come to think of it, he didn't even have it at the last battle, the great slaughter of Selbina.

"Uh yeah Ciri, I'm...uh...I'm right behind you mate!" he shouted back to the screaming dark knight. Looking around for something he could use as a projectile, he noticed a local Selbina child on the ground. "Hmm..." thought Tydirium, contemplating on throwing the child. Then he noticed in one of the childs hands he held a slingshot. "Oh...yeah right, that's a much better idea" muttered Tydirium, before stooping down to prize it out of the dead child's hand. Standing up he narrowly avoided being hit by a flying Ciriph, who flew through the air before having his fall broken by a large cart of fruit and veg, which upon impact, collapsed onto the floor. Not giving it a second thought, Ciriph picked up some pamama's and munched on them, before running back into the fray.

Tydirium, having no ammo for his slingshot, shrugged and picked up some La Theine Cabbage. He aimed it up, using his ranger skills and senses to take into account wind direction and speed, and other variables, before firing his cabbage at the goblin. It missed, crashing through a window of a nearby house. "Oh, er, shit" he said before just deciding it would be easier to find a weapon.

Ciriph continued to battle on, shouting obscene insults and taunts at the goblin. He raised his scythe high, used a small fence to propel himself through the air and jumped down onto the goblin slicing it in two. Standing up, he looked around for Tyd. "Tyd! Tyd! Did you see that? Whoa I am so awesome!"

Tydirium looked in the direction of Ciriph before shrugging at him. "No, sorry Ciri, I was looking for a weapon. But hey look I found us some extra gil."

They walked back to the ferry, Ciriph imitating his super slicing finishing move to Tydirium. "See the trick is to slice 'em up from the top, right, and they'll just split apart".

Hastily presenting their tickets to the ticket guy, they got on the ferry, which departed, sailing them to a destination they didn't know.


	8. 8 - Argh We Be Pirates

Ciriph grinned gingerly as the boat set off out of the harbor. Tydirium on the other hand sat curled up on the floor convincing himself that he was still on land.

"Tyd man whats up with you?!" Asked a cheerful Ciriph.  
"Urgh.. Sea not too good on me." Replied Tydirium trying to keep the contents of his stomach still within himself.  
"You don't like the sea?! What the hell?" Pondered a dismayed Ciriph.  
"We Elvaan are not a sea loving race. Our Navy is merely for show." Replied Tydirium speaking in a much more intelligent fashion than usual, probably trying to regain some decorum.  
"Ah, we Bastokens are made for this style of travel. The great blue flag upon the great blue oceans  
not like you measley Sand'Orians." Said Ciriph puffing his chest out. "I tell you what Tyd I'll go up deck and check where it is that we are to be traveling to hows that sound?"  
"Pretty good thanks Ciri."

So Ciriph gleefully clanked his way up the stairs out into the open sea air. Grinning inanely he looked around for the captain of the ship. Upon seeing nobody on the top deck he began to search around the captains room unfortunately the doorway was locked and bolted. Ciriph after many attempts to convince the door to open its self decided that he would have to scythe his way through things... After a good few minutes of screaming and scything Ciriph decided that the doorway was pretty much as open as it ever will be. He stepped inside prepared to slash and hack anything that came in his way. Upon a quick scan of the room it seemed to be full of old navigational tools, charts and an unhealthily large amount of Bastoken ale. Ciriph grinning begins to check the empty bottles and flagons until he notices that a pile of maps are moving towards him. Ciriph glances at the pile shrugging he decides to ignore the possibly dangerous map monster and look for the captain.  
Suddenly the map monster charged, as it lunged across the room Ciriph could barely react before he could begin to brink his scythe up he was on the floor with a average height ginger hume gripping him by the neck. Ciriph using natural skills he honed from an early age worked out that he might be in a spot of bother. massing up his considerable strength he threw the assailant across the room.  
"Jees louise man what are you doing attacking me like that?!" He shouted appalled.  
"Ger the hell outta my cabin you little sea rat!" Bellowed the man.  
"Sea rat?! I'll have you know I'm the most proficient man to walk the planet with a scythe i'll hack you up faster than.. Than erm something really fast!" Screamed Ciriph.  
"Heh you can certinately talk the talk but can you walk the walk?" Asked the drunken captain.  
"Hey whats your name I like all this pre battle anger we got going on between us." Said Ciriph grinning stupidly.  
"Zeberdee the most famous and powerful samurai in all of the Overn deep!" Bellowed Zeberdee looking very proud.  
"Ha! Overn deep? You're from the far east then aren't you? Well you sissies are nothing compared to us Bastokens. From the looks of things around here you haven't done a very good job of commandeering this ship have you?" Sniped Ciriph still grinning like a buffoon.  
"Bah! Like you could do a better job!" Challenged Zeberdee now waving his short great katana around the room in challenge.  
"Well for starters I wouldn't of gotten myself drunk before battle and I would of attacked with a crew so I could man this thing you idiot!" Countered Ciriph his grin now stretched enormously across his face.  
"Oh yeah! Well I bet you'd like to join me and become part of my crew wouldn't you?!" Roared Zeberdee without thinking.  
"Yes, yes I would I'll crew this ship ten thousand times better than you can me and my mate will get this working in now time!" Ciriph roared in counter trying to work out where he was going with this.  
"I doubt it! I'll give you a try anyway! Just don't break anything and we'll get along fine!"  
"I wouldn't dream on it. My name is Ciriph by the way the elvaan down there is called Tydirium. Where are we going by the way?!" Asked Ciriph managing to control his voice.  
"To the lovely port of Mhaura!" Grinned Zeberdee joyfully.  
"Excellent I'll go tell Tyd I hope he likes it there eh?" Smiled Ciriph as he clanked down the stairwell to inform his friend that they were now a trio...


	9. 9 - Yarr!

"Tyd! I found the captain, this ship is headed to Mhaura" said Ciriph.

"Damn I haven't ever heard of no Mhaura" replied Tydirium. I wonder if it's like Selbina".

"Oh, one more thing Tyd, we're pirates now, YARR!" And with that astonishing remark, Ciriph marched up the stairs onto the deck.

"What?!" Tydirium exclaimed, to no one in particular, the cabin below was empty. Getting up gingerly from the foetal position he began to make his way up the stairs. Struggling to keep himself from being seasick, he wobbled onto the deck. "What the hell Ciri, I leave you alone for five minutes and suddenly we're pirates? What the hell!"

Ciriph beamed back at Tydirium. "I thought you'd be pleased. C'mon don't be a wuss, it's easy".

"Easy? How the dickens would you know, have you ever been a pirate?"

"No, but how hard can it be, you drink lots of rum, wave cutlasses about and have a right laugh" replied Ciriph, looking lost in happiness. "But of course, I will be waving around a scythe, that just goes without saying".

"Whatever, you hobo" sighed Tydirium. "And just what are you doing?"

Ciriph had been looking around for the entire conversation, like he had lost something. "I was looking for the crew. I don't think there is one", he answered.

"So this ship is being steered by one man?" Tydirium asked, looking a bit panicky.

"Yes. Well not really no" Ciriph said. "He isn't really steering". He grinned in amusement.

"So what the bloody hell is he doing then?"

"Not a lot really, just hanging out in his cabin I think. Oh, also he's drunk".

Tydirium looked stupefied. "Soooo, to recap, we got a ship with no crew except for one very drunk man, who isn't even steering?".

Ciriph paused and looked deep in thought. "That about sums it up mate. Don't think he's a bad guy though, this captain. His names Zeberdee, and he challenged me to crew his ship better than him".

"He challenged you? Why would he do that?" Tydirium asked.

"Why wouldn't he!" replied Ciriph, evading the question. "Well, maybe he didn't so much challenge me, as I told him we would crew it better than him, so we're kinda a team now".

Tydirium was about to answer, but had to turn away to barf over the side of the ship. Through barfs he shouted at Ciriph, "Hating...you so much...right now Ciriph".

Ciriph looked at Tydirum with disapproval. "I don't like your attitude, real pirates don't get seasick. Pull your act together". With that, he marched off towards Zeberdee's cabin.

Zeberdee greeted him with enthusiasm, swinging his great katana at Ciriph. Luckily for Ciriph, he was so drunk he overbalanced and tripped over a small chest lying on the floor. "Yarr, ya scurvy dog, ya tricked me, what devilry" blathered Zeberdee, a sprawled mass of limbs on the floor.

"Ahoy Zeberdee!" exclaimed Ciriph, grinning, obviously in a good mood. "Me and my mate Tydirium are totally up for this pirate gig, prepare to be astounded".

"Tydirium? He sounds like a right bum of a sissy, arr" replied Zeberdee, staring dizzily at the ceiling.

"Well...he is kind of a bum, but he's alright, you know for a dhalmel. I mean, an elvaan."

Zeberdee suddenly looked fully alert. "D...dhalmel ya say? Arr. I cannae be havin' no dhalmel on me ship, it uh...goes against all the regs!"

"Regs? What regulations could a pirate ship possibly have?" answered Ciriph, looking confused.

"THE ONE THAT SAYS NO DHALMELS, ARR!" bellowed Zeberdee. "I'll have to kick it off the ship if'n I be findin' it, yarr". Flapping his arms about, Zeberdee attempted to sit up, but failed. "...Arr, he'll find his way to me eventually" he sighed and gave up hoisting himself up, and fell asleep.

"I said elvaan anyway, you crazy, crazy man" muttered Ciriph to himself. "I wonder what he has against dhalmels".


	10. 10 - I Think We Might Need Your Insuran

Ciriph grinned. He hadn't had this much fun in a long time, he was in his element out at sea watching the fish follow alongside the boat. He absently drummed his fingers on the hard oak of the railing. "Life can't get much better than this." He said aloud to himself.

"Zeberdee this is a stupid reckless and altogether idiotic idea!" Shouted Tydirium slamming his sleek elvaan hands on the captains desk for emphasis.  
"Heh I'm the captain laddie when you're a captain you chose how we navigate and where we sail to." Replied Zeberdee sluring slightly.  
"Thats the problem Zeberdee, we aren't navigating we're just listing west ever so slightly do you even know what a compass is?!" Screamed Tydirium his temper reaching its end.  
"Yes of course I do its a mathematical instrument now if you'd excuse me I need to get some serious drinking done and I would appreciate some privacy." Said Zeberdee stumbling around his desk to show Tydirium the door. Tydirium on the other hand placed his right hand on Zeberdee's shoulder and forced him to sit upon the desk sending even more instruments awry.  
"No Zeberdee you listen here. I am not about to let some good for nothing failure of a pirate. We're going to navigate to Mhaura, and thats final." Bellowed Tydirium.  
Zeberdee shocked by Tydirium's outburst slowly stood up slowly circling around behind his desk and drew a short great katana with a blue hilt and square pommel.  
"Do you know what this blade is called, Tydirium?"  
Tydirium shook his head in the negative.  
"Well its called the soboro sukehiro while it lacks the same size and power other great katana have. You will find it is quite deadly. Now before you even consider reaching for those two tiny little axes at your belt lets think about the odds here, I'm faster than you and with a superior weapon you'll be dead before you can even make a move." Zeberdee said cooly swishing his katana around his head.  
"Urgh I guess you're right Zeb." Said a demoralized Tydirium "I'll leave you to it." As he turned to the door Zeb prepared to launch himself into an attack but a loud rumbling noise interrupted the fray. The two men rushed outside to witness a sight neither of them could have thought possible. The boat had managed to 'T' bone another larger vessel and drive it straight into a large dessert island. The large boat held the ensign of the crown prince of San d'Oria Prince Trion d'Origuille. The two men glanced around for Ciriph but the tall dark knight was no where to be seen.  
"Guys come down here! Guys listen to me guys!" Ciriph shouted up to them.  
"Ciri? What the hell is happening!?" Bellowed Tydirium looking anxious.  
"I'll tell you later right now we need to get going there is way too many royal knights around here looking for us to be a happy party. We need to go into hidding." Ciriph said very matter of factly.  
"Where the hell are we Ciriph?" Asked Zeberdee who was drunkenly wandering around the ship.  
"Kuztoz of course. Altepa dessert c'mon lets go!" With those final words Ciriph turned on his tail and was off slowly jogging across the sands the others running to catch up...


End file.
